Decadence

     Oh goodness Tumblr community I have missed you. Jeez it’s been months since I last posted anything on here (original, reblog, anything of the sort). My life has just been so jvfklnefjhv that I’ve not really had time to take a step back and look everything over. So much has happened that it all seems like a giant blur and I’m spiraling toward my 21st birthday without knowing what to do about it. Here’s what’s been up:

     I started a job back in November. The day before my 20th birthday my sister calls me and says that the hiring manager at the McDonalds she worked at was interesting in giving me an orientation. No interview. No prior experience needed. Just simply walk in, fill out paperwork, and start working in a few days to get me started in the system. Since then I have come to know a great many people I work with as well as become well aquainted with some of the regulars who come in for their morning cup of coffee. I admit the manager who runs the morning shift is not the nicest woman to work with, but if you do what she asks and don’t screw up royally, she is not so bad off. Some of the crew were easier to talk to; others I had a hard time getting to know because of how much they intimidated me. Now I’m cheerful with even the people who seem always to be grumpy. Plus I’ve started becoming more intependant and have a way to buy myself things without asking for money. I don’t pay bills quite yet, but soon I’ll be able to start paying for car insurance and, if it ever needs to happen, I can pay rent while living in my parents’ house. They say I won’t have to, but I’m willing to pitch in every now and then.

     Then something else recently occured to me. Almost 11 months ago I started taking Tae Kwon Do at a school run by a co-worker of my mom’s. In those 11 months I have made a lot of friends, learned so much, gained a ton of muscles, competed in my first tournament last Sunday (got two 3rd place plaques and a competator’s ribbon. Not too bad for a beginner) and even got to demonstrate this martial art at an expo the same weekend as my tournament. I even broke through my first 1” piece of pine board! I have had so much fun punching bags and learning how to defend myself from an attacker and even how some people thought one of my male classmates was my brother at the expo. o.O What?! Ok then. I’ll call him my little brother now. I’ve always wanted one lol.

     Plus in the last 11 months I have probably gotten to know and accept one of the most amazing guys I will probably ever know. Eight months ago he and I finally started a relationship and got to know each other so well. About a month ago he and I got into a fight and it forced us to split. Every day I keep kicking myself in the butt because I was probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and I threw it away because I got mad over the stupidest thing. I’ve seen a few times since then and when I do I get sad because he looks so exhauseted and ready to break down, but the fact that he’s holding himself together is something that I truely admire. Today my mother and I were talking about what he had told me about his life and I nearly wanted to cry. I had accepted this about him and I loved him for the fact that from all of his struggles he had matured into someone I looked up to on some occasions. Even though he had a rough life, he was able to make something of it and had a great path ahead of him. I had always admired that about him and knew that if our relationship worked I was sure I was going to become stronger too. Even though he was my first boyfriend and many people say he was my first love, I felt that we weren’t just boyfriend and girlfriend who had dates and stuff. He was probably one of my bestest friends because I could talk to him about anything and he’d give me advice or laugh with my jokes or call me weird when I started talking about anime and my Japanese music. I miss him and every day I think about him in some way.

     I think back to all the times we were together, how happy we were and the fun we had. I think of what could have been and how happy I might be in the future. I would imagine him and I on our wedding day (shush! I like to dream sometimes) and how nice he would look in a tux and the big smile on his face. I had always adored that smile. I would imagine him and I having children, and how great of a father he would be; holding his little girl on his hip and she would put her little toddler hands on his face and give him a big kiss and he would gasp and say “What you doin’?” and she would giggle and he would get that big goofy smile on and make her laugh even harder. I’m smiling so much right now that I feel so happy thinking about him. God I’m a lost cause!

I think I should wrap this up because it became a big love-letter of sorts. I got my sniny new green belt in tkd this afternoon and tomorrow I head out for a three day vacation. A well deserved one. College is over and I’m taking some time away from work to have a little fun. Going to Holland Michigan for the Tulip Festival because my mom had always wanted to go and it’s gonna be a girl thing we do. Gotta finish packing tonight (start, actually. Got nothing prepared to wear. A girl’s worst nightmare!) So yeah. Laptop battery low and I wanna get this posted before it dies. Thanks for reading in and hopefully I have time in the near future to get on here more. I missed it so much!

  Shit! Fuck! How many other expletives can I give out?? My reason for this is something that threw me off guard and now has my mind spiraling out of control. This is all based on something we were done talking about and I would have a laugh about it later…well not a laugh, per say, but it wouldn’t be someting troubling my mind like it is now. Jesus I feel so pathetic for the scenario. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could forget I ever said. I wish that I could resolve this. I wish I could look at my phone again without being afraid that another message pops up. I wish I can stop constantly thinking that I’m going to screw it up more and more with each passing day. I wish I can tell you how stupid I was for ever bringing that up, and tell you this in person.

  I wish I could just turn back the clock and start all over again.

  I’m sorry. I’ll say it again and again until I’ve said it a thousand times. I’m sorry for being who I am because I’d been warped over the years into thinking that I’m always going to have to hide who I really am. I’m sorry I showed you who I really was. I’m so so sorry that you and I are together and all I ever do is make you doubt me. I’m sorry I’ve put you in a position that thrusts you under a magnifying glass with everything that you do. I’m also so very sorry that you think I’m good enough for you when I’m really not. All I ever do is worry and wonder if anything I say is going to come back to me and make me regret everything. You really don’t deserve a stupid girl like me who says things that don’t just hurt me but hurts you in the process. I just…I’m still not sure if this is truely what I wanted or if it’s still a “mistake” and something that I will never be ready for.

  Again, I’m sorry. I wish from the bottom of my heart that whatever the outcome is that it gets resolved and put behind us. I want you to be happy, but if your happiness comes from putting up with me then it might never be what you think it is. I won’t hold you back any longer and if it comes to us splitting, I will never regret our time together. It’s been a great two weeks and, if you still feel like putting up with the shit I put you through, then I’ll be okay with that. And thank you for being the one pillar of marble that has defined who I am. Right now it just seems that you are the ruins of Rome and I the weather; I’ve raged around you, yet you continued to stay strong. Keep being the ruins of Rome and don’t let anything tear you down, even man who will one day see past your greatness and start to crumble your existence.